To The One That I Love- part 1

To the One that I Love,

I know it sounds crazy, but I cannot begin to number the countless nights I have lain here, in my bed, and dreamed of you. I cannot even count the endless dreary days of my existance that I have trudged thru, only to repeat them over and over again. My thoughts are consumed by you, my body longs for you, and yet, I cannot quite believe in you.

For as long as I can remember, I have been searching for you, my heart beating your name continuously and rapidly in my breast. I can never quite understand what name it calls for, but it calls with an intensity that will allow me no peace.

And as I awaken each morning, it drives me to find you, as if your heart were answering that same relentless call, the summoning of my hearts desire.

I repeat endless days of searching, watching, waiting, never quite taking a full breath, in the hope of finding you. And when the day has ended, I return home to my empty bed while tears of hopelessness trickle down my cheeks.

As the hours of darkness pass, I slowly drift off to sleep, both impatiently waiting to see you again, yet dreading the morning when I will awaken, my body covered in a sheen of perspiration, pulse pounding, and trembling with unfulfilled passion.

I know my dreams of you are vivid, and intense, with an ever present sense of wonder that we have been together, if only for a short while. As if we had known each other before.

But I can never remember your features, just shadowy memories of the way you move, or a quick gesture you have made with your hands. Sometimes even the impression of the way you have touched me.

And with those impressions comes the sure knowledge that I must find you, somehow endure the unending lonliness, as I search for you. With each rising of the sun, my eyes open, my heart calling to you, my body remembering your touch, my mind gradually dawning with the relization that you are not there, and I face the bleakness of despair. But still, I cannot crush the hope of maybe, just maybe I will find you.

I rise from my bed, and face this new day with both a sense of loss, and a sense of joy. Maybe I am the eternal optimist, but I can't keep from trying to find you. My dreams have made that impossible, and my heart won't allow it.

And yet, my mind keeps urging me to give up on you, telling me that what my body yearns for does not exist, could not possibly exist, is not real.

That what I feel for you, whom I have never met, is nothing more than a dream, that my search for you is a fruitless endeavor. One that will never happen, never come true, never obtain the validity of existance that my heart and soul demand of it.

And yet, still I keep trying, hoping that I find you, convincing myself with that little leap of my heart as I recall a sensation, cling to a memory as wispy as a fog, or remember a desperate whisper of a conversation not quite heard.

Many times I have looked up from what I was doing, no matter where I was, to be disappointed by your abscence. Reached out to touch you, or tell you a thought that had occurred to me, only to drop my hand back into my lap, and barely still my voice before it passes my lips. Always I am aware that others have found that which has eluded me, and I cry bitterly, deep inside, where no one can hear me.

Many times I have lost myself in mindless thoughts of you, and when I come back to myself, have found that time has slipped away from me. With a pang of lonliness coursing thru me, I glance around, hoping no one has noticed my wandering attentions, for I do not know how I will explain them. But no one has ever noticed. I swallow my pain, and continue to complete the task at hand.

I have heard the things they have said about me, assumptions based on ignorance, and most of them I can ignore, even as painful as they are, but sometimes I hear the meaning between their thoughtless words and I cringe.

Those are the times that I dread the most, and those are the times that I yearn to feel your arms come about me, whispering to me that everything else doesn't matter.

That when we are finally together, you will make everything right again, to keep trusting in you, to keep believing in you, and to stay with you, that the promise you have made to me on countless nights will be kept.

I keep my dreams of you close to my heart, and never far from my thoughts is the fear that, if I were to tell anyone of you, then they would proclaim me an unfit member of this thing known as life, and lock me away forever.

That I could not bear, for you would be lost to me forever, as others try to convince me of your non-existance. So I share you with no one, desperately hoping that that I find you, overwhelmed by my need of you, in all ways, and enclosing myself in a silence only you can penetrate.

I am not sure how I will know you when I find you, just that I am determined to find you, no matter how long it may take. And until then, I will somehow make my way thru the days, and dream of you thru the nights.

I will keep the secret of my hearts desire until you come to claim me, safe forever within my breast. I will continue my search for you wherever I go.

What ever I do, I will find you, even if only in the fevered beatings of my heart, even if only in the deepest reaches of the night. My body cries out for you with a passion that cannot be denied, and I live for the day when we will finally meet.